Natured Constrictions

I hate that I always start filling in forums and questionnaires with: 'I'.

Catching myself again, I realize I don't want to be passive in my intention to sell myself or my potential for contribution to an outlet, but MAN do I focus wholly on myself the great-portion of the day.

(and suddenly, a silent desire to type on a pigeon-excrement-covered table in MacArthur park - stop searching for spelling of 'MacArthur')

This morning I awoke and did what the priest vehemently proposed last night at mass following the novena, to which I stumbled upon late - stepping high over the lap of a veil-faced elderly to enter the pew. No one ever scoots to the middle; they always expect you to step over them. Some people, knelt in prayer, are seemingly so peaceful that disturbing them seems to be a crime. I just want to bottle up their gracious-peace and bathe in it, in the glory of sparkle-covered rained clouds, letting no drips hit the ground.

So yeah, I knelt this morning and offered what good and bad would come of the day to God - and tried desperately to make a point not to do this for me but for others. Following my 30 second finger-combing session in the bathroom mirror, to the sound of the absurdly-loud bathroom fan, I put on a dirty shirt, same jeans, same shoes; socks, I was already wearing and tip-toed out onto the front porch. There I found darkness at 6:35 a.m.

Cafecito Organica sounded better than McDonalds coffee, a substance foreign to me this week after my roommate passively ordered the retirement of my beloved, yet leaky, Bunn. The adventure to the airport was of Grace and coherence; clarity of desires unfulfilled and longings of which I've been dying to bask. We said our good byes, again at an airport terminal and I watched as she escaped from my view, and a LAX patrol beeped at me to carry-on.

So I don't know what's going on. I know that yesterday I was a mess of emotion and paralyzed defeat, and agony of unending self-doubt. The thoughts that bind, aren't of the lack to substance of other's talents. They are of my limitless potential, which I can't seem to tap into because of my own fears and lack of ability to focus.

I'm trying to grow up, so I don't have to keep watching someone I love disappear into terminals or escape into bus stations without my confidence to leave a car in long-term parking.

I'm trying hard to see the cluelessness in my lack of action. And I'm trying desperately to put everything, including everyone before 'I'.


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