I alternate between resignation and cynicism on the subject of hopefulness.
Telling someone tonight, I said: "life, is an epic tease," I resigned to my position wherein I've no hope for true fulfillment. However bright though, it most certainly is a struggle within a given realm of understanding.
Finding truth in (life) requires true submission to understanding of the self. And, oftentimes requires great amounts of sorrow, self-defeat acknowledgment and agony. Arising from the ashes of a previously broken existence yields a more true self and a greater, more assured vision for ones life. The most difficult thing and surely the most important, is to be able to defend the newly discovered self and live with the results of the new embrace.
Most often, people fall back down, re-acknowledge the parts of themselves which are weak and they are not comfortable with and then, resign to the false impressions and inequities which cause the loss of the true 'self'.
Recently I've been flip-flopping, as I said, and despite the fact the non-desirable requires me to write, I know it's not the life I wish to live. These are trying times. I do not wish to falter, however, and no matter the sorrow I am sure to endure I'm going to stick with it.
Nearing a point of understanding, I am not giong to relinquish what I've learned from the past year of myself. I know a lot of me now, and most assuredly will cling to hope and the 'idea' that the true fulfillment I seek is within the realm of possibility. I will not sacrifice or compromise what I believe to be my chance.
Traveling takes us places we've never been. We relish the chance to escape. To experience new sites, smells and experiences. We become romantic of our sudden understanding in a new environment. The time flies and, if we are free from anxiety (which I never am) we enjoy and are able to lament sadness while holding to the experience and appreciating the time spent.
But, when we arrive back to reality or, when we snap back to the land of our 'real life' we often falter; become zombies again, and die another death in an act of lifes theoretical and theatrical production. If only the self were understood and we knew of our true balance and love.
Then we wouldn't have to depart when we leave for a vacation or a getaway.
Our life would be the getaway; an experience of constant fulfillment where we lived the way we were meant to live, danced to what we should dance to and loved who and what we were meant to love.
Life; the epic tease...only if you allow it.